I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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