Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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