1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
