Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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