I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
