somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
