i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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