So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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