I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
