does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
