Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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