Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
