i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my shit smells like andre
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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