After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
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God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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