I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
