you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just found a bag of teeth...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
