Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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