i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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