I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
