I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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