maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
