my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
