i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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