Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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