Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Acid is not a monday night drug
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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