Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
