Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
a search helicopter?!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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