That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
