So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
