you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You dont lie about slip and slides
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
