Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
