i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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