god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
