So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
