I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
