Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
