he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
