I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
