I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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