I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
