so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
