; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
