Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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