I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
