so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
