I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
