It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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