chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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