So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
His nipple licking is glorious
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