Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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