I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
