I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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