He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
