I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
only you would photoshop your dick
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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