He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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