Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
