I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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