turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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